(no subject)

[ninelegs]

So Conner and I finally talked about us. He says he isn't capable of commitment. In general. To anyone. That's obviously not what I want to hear. But I'm going to have to be ok with that decision. We decided that were still gonna hang out. Just with out the Sex and whatnot. Which is a shame, but is probably for the best.

Clearly were still gonna have to talk about things.

I can't see how this will work out well.

I want him. I want him all to myself and I want him to want me in the same fashion.

I know its not fair of me to expect that from him at this point in time. But it really wasn't fair of him to "lead me on" like this.

I want to blame this all on me, that if I had said something earlier or just been a fucking desirable human being I could have avoided this mess.

But neither of those things are true.

I don't believe that yet but maybe if I keep telling myself then it will.

He says he doesn't want me to feel used or to hurt me.. Truth is he already has and the fucked up thing is that im going to hang off of every interaction we have until he actually gets bored of me.

I want to take everything hes willing to give me even though I know nothing good will come out of it.

Hes not looking for commitment. Hes not looking for a relationship.

Hes already hurt me and yet all I want is for him to hurt me even more.

I just want him to fucking want me.