ninelegs

Man its been a while since ive been on here.

I was doing so well with actually talking about things instead of writing the into cyberspace but im back in a shitty place.

What do you do when someone realizes your sad and asks you about it?

Do you answer them truthfully and risk the repercussions or brush it off and hope they get the idea?

Conner was asking about me today. How I seemed down and could talk to him if I needed. How do I talk to him about feeling lonely and abandoned without exposing to much of myself? I cant fucking tell the way he feels about me. I know he cares but I cant expect him to feel the way I do. Theres no reason for him to feel that way and no good reason for me to tell him.

I just want to feel loved. Is that too much to ask for?

Having occasional sex is wayyy more frustrating than not having sex at all.

Like when you don't have the option for partner sex its like whatever, but when youre in a confusing almost relationship and you don't know when the next time will be its so much more frustrating

aka I wish he would define this relationship so I would feel better about constantly wishing he would fuck me.

although I would probably be too nervous to every initiate anything even if things were more clear

goddamn.

Current Mood: horny

Wow has it been a long time since ive written here. I don't even remember what the last thing I posted about was. Probably being sad and something about Conner.

Which is exactly what im going to write about again.

He drove from Brampton to pick me up and and then we hung out in Brampton and then in Sauga and just shot the shit for a few hours. I just enjoy spending time with him. Its different now that ive accepted that he doesn't want me in the way that I want him.

I'm not going to say that there isnt a glimmer of hope but I try and squash that idea as soon as it flutters into my head.

Regardless of my feelings for him today was an interesting time because somehow we ended up talking about depression and its so fucking hard for me to open up. I'm so used to people not caring and so used to trying to not let conner see my weakness that I felt so strange to be put into a position where he was encouraging me to open up to him.

I know I need to talk more. About my problems and also in general. But its just so hard when you feel completely worthless. I never feel like im important enough or worthy of others kindness. I can always take a step back and look at how im acting/feeling and I know its irrational or just depressive thinking but it feels so real in that moment.

Theres also just the dilemma of knowing I should distance myself from him when I really don't want too and he cares enough about me to be concerned for me and my depression

such is life

Current Music: destroya - mcr

Sometimes I start to think that im okay, not like at this point in time but in a general sense of self and being

but then I think back to how ive spent so much time fascinated by serial killers and sexual deviance and just are just typically a little bit strange in all social settings

and then it all makes sense why I cant ever find happiness

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: this could be love - alkaline trio

My room mate asked me if I was in love with him. I didn't want to admit it to myself but I think that I am.

How is it possible to feel so strongly about someone in such a short period of time?

How is it fair that im so upset and I bet that he isn't even losing a minute of sleep thinking about me...

I feel so out of control of my emotions and I hate it. Being depressed was easy because I just didn't feel anything any more. Getting better is hard because you start to actually care about others and make real connections. At least I thought we had a connection.

Maybe we do, maybe we never did. But I felt it.

I want to say fuck him for not wanting to be with me but I really just mean fuck him for making me feel this about about him.

I fucking made the pumpkin pie with no intentions to give him any. And yet as time goes on all im thinking about is saving a slice for him and giving it to him tomorrow.

Im probably going to do it. I know I shouldnt though. But I will.

Im so fucking hung up on him ugh.

I hope he never reads this. Or most people for that matter. It just feels so pathetic :/

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Ain't it fun - Paramore

Listening to "the heart wants what it wants" after sending him a midnight happy birthday message is probably the dumbest thing I could be doing right now.

Yet here we are.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: The heart wants what it wants - Selena Gomez

So Conner and I finally talked about us. He says he isn't capable of commitment. In general. To anyone. That's obviously not what I want to hear. But I'm going to have to be ok with that decision. We decided that were still gonna hang out. Just with out the Sex and whatnot. Which is a shame, but is probably for the best.

Clearly were still gonna have to talk about things.

I can't see how this will work out well.

I want him. I want him all to myself and I want him to want me in the same fashion.

I know its not fair of me to expect that from him at this point in time. But it really wasn't fair of him to "lead me on" like this.

I want to blame this all on me, that if I had said something earlier or just been a fucking desirable human being I could have avoided this mess.

But neither of those things are true.

I don't believe that yet but maybe if I keep telling myself then it will.

He says he doesn't want me to feel used or to hurt me.. Truth is he already has and the fucked up thing is that im going to hang off of every interaction we have until he actually gets bored of me.

I want to take everything hes willing to give me even though I know nothing good will come out of it.

Hes not looking for commitment. Hes not looking for a relationship.

Hes already hurt me and yet all I want is for him to hurt me even more.

I just want him to fucking want me.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Lonely hearts club - Marina and the diamonds

The problem with wanting a relationship is that I don't feel worthy of one. Throughout my life ive gotten used to people leaving me/ forgetting about me all I want is to feel like im actually wanted somewhere but most importantly by someone.

My self worth is so low and needs to be validated by other people because I don't think that ill ever be good enough no matter how hard I try.

I'm really not worth the risk and thats the part that hurts the most out of all of this

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Motion city sound track

Next time I go to the doctor I think I need to actually talk about getting myself diagnosed and maybe looking into SSRIs

I've just been feeling like such a piece of scum lately. I have even less motivation than before and can't cope with simple problems that arise let alone contribute to group projects and write midterms.

I'm letting myself down but more importantly letting down my group members and my family.

I want to drop out. So badly. But its not an option and I know I would be so disappointed in myself if I didn't stick this out.

I'm just so sick of not having any direction in my life and feeling like I'm never going to amount to anything.

Breaking out the good chocolate for today. I haven't cried yet but I want to extremely badly. I don't want to keep studying. I want to curl up beside him and fall asleep with his hand in my hair. I want to not have to worry about the future and what this all means.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Big love - Fleetwood mac

I wish I could cry more easily. It feels so good to have that sort of release but it comes so rarely.

Well I can officially stop saying that the last time I had sex I had to stop because I started crying.

Theres probably a better way that I can start this little journal entry but lets be real here I was really worried about how the next sexual experience I had would go. Turns out it went pretty damn well haha. I'm definitely less depressed than I have been in the past. Especially since when Alex and I were together, and it makes me glad to know that I can sill form healthy relationships with people. I still feel like I lucked out so much with Conner. Obviously its going to take some time to get in the rhythm of things and learn what the both of us likes but I am really excited to practise with him.

Besides the sex I'm also really happy to see that hes opening up to me more. Clearly he's been through some painful times and I hope I can be here for him when/if he needs me. And of course I hope he can be there for me too. It might be too early on to start saying these types of things but he really is such a sweetheart and he deserves happiness.

Man I need to stop writing my 3am thoughts down.

All in all, through all the other negativity that is happening around me right now, im so happy this is working out for me. Even if I do feel guilty about being happy and trying not to get involved in the drama while still feeling like a good friend.

Also. I still think its hilarious that I couldn't find my underwear this morning

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Hawthorne heights - silence in black and white

I wish it was socially acceptable to tell someone to just suck it up and deal with their shit instead of complaining to me.

UGH APPARENTLY SERIOUS ROOM MATE DRAMA IS GOING DOWN I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW FUCK MY LIFE
I'M SO BUSY

I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY TO MISSISSAUGA SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Saves the day

Woke up feeling pretty good about myself. Last night I sang hit or miss and dammit with Conner, completely shirtless after a make out session that was totally held back by the fact that I had my period. Good night regardless. Sitting here thinking about being shirtless with him is actually making me more nervous than it did in the moment. He's so great. I feel comfortable around him and he makes me feel... I don't even know what the word to use is. But he makes me feel it and its awesome. I'm still gonna be worrying about my weight and other bullshit body problems but for now, my worry has lessoned a bit

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I've been super stressed from school but he's even dissipated some of that just by cheering me up and make me smile yesterday.

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Hit or miss - New found glory

Feeling super stressed lately. School is so frustrating, I thought this year would be much better in terms of my motivation but the longer this semester goes on the less I care.

I'm also wishing I could feel more validated in my friendships, so often I feel like I play therapist for them but I have such trouble coming to terms with my own feelings and being able to talk about them openly just seems so frightening.

Anxiety counselling starts up tomorrow, im going to have to skip class but I think its worth it. Its also going to be such a busy day in general. These next few weeks are going to be extremely busy and stressful and im not ready to deal with it.

I should be way more excited for halloween but the amount of school and bullshit that I have to deal with is really getting in the way.

On the bright side Conner said he would be down to come to guelph for kyles party but that just opens up so many more anxieties. I wish there was opportunity for us to have sex or at least get past making out before then because I feel like I would be more comfortable around him once the initial body worries and sex worries had been dealt with.

The fact that Alex might be there is also kind of terrifying. On one hand its awkward because I know it would be weird for him to see me with someone new but also that there would be a certain point of me caring that I would probably pass and if there was a chance for me to hook up with Conner I would take it regardless of if Alex was there or not.

I also just tend to get super wasted at guelph parties so it will be interesting to see how he affects that and if it makes me more anxious and drink more or more wary of how much I drink for the night

Current Music: break free- ariana grande

I literally just want to either hang out with Conner or talk about how I want to hang out with him. I have so many things that need to be done but I am a lazy lump who can't focus.

I'm actually so lucky I went over and studied with him yesterday because I have gotten nothing done today.

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: The quiet things that know one ever knows - Brand new

So tonight was friends giving, it was fun but sort of made me realize that the friendships I have are obviously changing and that some of the new friends I have are much more suited to me now than old friendships. I'm kind of drunk and reflecting too much on things. But it's just weird to feel like you've lost a lot in common with old friends. My Hamilton friends are new focus and although I knew this would happen it's still a strange feeling. The cline cartel is my family and things are still very new with Conner and I hope hat they work out but I spent the night wishing he would message me So I wouldn't feel guilty about messaging him first while with my friends. He didn't, and I didn't which is probably for the best. But still. I'm very into him and my whole life is so Hamilton centric right now. Speaking Conner though.. Goddamn do I keep saying things that could alienate him. Like why do I need to bring up the fucking weird shit I've seen on the Internet.. Or the awkward bisexual comment... I need to tone it back a little bit.
Although he hasn't run away screaming yet... So that's a good sign. He's the one who told me to come back to Hamilton so we could hang out some more yesterday so clearly he wasn't too scared with my openness. I'm trying to be as honest as possible with him but I just really hope I don't cross a line somewhere. I just want him to like me for me and not a lite version of me.

Current Mood: Drunk
Current Music: The wombats in my head

I've been low key horny since Wednesday and it's so fucking distracting. I honestly forgot what this feeling was like...

Clearly this boy is good for me

Current Mood: horny
Current Music: Brand new - millstone

So I am just feeling ALL of the feels right now. It's about time I wrote about Conner I guess haha. So last Friday we went on a late walk through cootes at night time and it was funny and awkward and sweet all at different moments. I kind of wish I wrote a recap here after it happened but I've talk about it so much that I feel like the memories are pretty strong. Anyways at the end of our walk we were sitting on the bench outside he church on cline and he reached over and took my hand and then asked if he could kiss me and it was really sweet and I'm so appreciative of how considerate he seems to be.

So that was the turning point of me just having a crush to "oh shit this is actually happening" and the onset of a shitload of anxiety. I think I've been dealing fairly well though, my biggest problem is all the ducking day dreaming I do now instead of listening to midterm review.. Lol.

Anyways, so last night I went over to his place after my night class to watch a movie, and I felt that my inexperience in those sort of situations was showing. He didn't seem to be too bothered by it but I can't help but feel like once we started actually making out that I got super into my head and anxious. I kept awkwardly giggling and stuff, but when I suggested we just hang out for a little bit he was totally cool and it was kind of a smoothish transition to just being cuddly and watching YouTube. I know this anxiety will pass the more time I spend with him and that I just need to work through it but I'm just nervous that he's going to realize I'm super lame or whatever and decide it's not worth it. Or I guess that I'm not worth it.

It's stupid because everything up to this point has clearly shown that he does think I'm worth it and is into it and I need to embrace that and stop over analyzing things. It's just hard not to let my thoughts get the best of me.

There was one really cute moment when he sort of paused and looked at me and I asked what he was looking at and he said something along the lines of " you're really pretty" and I may have died a little inside.

I really hope we are compatible and that this relationship stems into something long term and stable because right now he is making me so happy.

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Haim

Oh boy. I really wanted to keep up with my writing on here but its increasingly more unlikely that will happen.

Lots has happened since my last angsty little post. School's started and im already procrastinating my first assignment. I'm fucking 21 years old. What the fuck is that all about.

Its interesting to see my last post about Conner and how I wanted to get to know him better. We've been texting quite a bit and hanging out when we can and he is really such a sweetheart. We had a bonfire on my birthday and it was really cool to just sit by the fire and get to know him better. We talked about a really broad spectrum of things from music (duh) and high school to cultural appropriation and the conflict in the Ukraine. Matt said it sounded really romantic but I didnt really feel it was romantic more just a really good bonding experiance? I dunno. Im kind of worried that hes too intelligent for me, or that hes going to think im really boring once he realizes that I spend all my time on tumblr. (I also kind of really want to cuddle with him) (And also other things that involve a bed). Its also really weird knowing that he lives beside me and that literally anytime I walk out of the house he could be there.

Sigh. I kind of just want to write about Conner but I told myself I would stop writing about boys here so much. But this time it actually seems like it could go somewhere. I'm just really excited to be around him even though it makes me really nervous.

Like he just seems like such a good person. He offered to walk tiffany home after he had just met her, and then made sure it was ok that he volunteered me to go with him. Or when they had their frosh week party he kept checking up on me and sitting beside me and walked me home even though I live right next door. Or fucking saying he was going to bring me tea if I had to work this morning (who knows if he actually would have but either way the gesture is really sweet).

An interesting thing about him is that he smokes though. Which I dont really have a problem with at the moment its just kind of interesting that someone who seems very health conscious/at least works out quite a bit would be a smoker.

I also really want to sing with him. I just think that would be fun.

I should end this gushy rant before it gets puke worthy I just have SO MANY FEELINGS

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Jhene Aiko

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ninelegs

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